The title of my entry is "In Much Grief and Heartache Do I Write This Entry" and I have to say that it is indeed difficult for me to write. Let me start by saying that I love each and every one of you so very much. You are my sisters and my friends. But sisters and friends also tell the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

We come to the Network to seek comfort, support and hopefully some answers, and at times in an innocent attempt to compliment another member, that member can become hurt. For those of you who are new or don't know what I'm talking about, I would like to express the deep pain and heartache of MANY other members of this wonderful Network.

Since almost all (if not all) of you already have experienced the embarrassment, shame and humiliation of losing your hair in varying degrees, and understand the pain of explaining to family and friends, lovers and husbands what you are going through, we seek solice in this place. A comforting word, a gentle answer and most of all, understanding...because we have all been through the pain. What pain? The emotional pain of trying to show our hair loss to those closest to us and them dismissing us. Belittling us. Treating us like its not so bad and its all in our head; Like we want attention, or even like we are unstable in someway. Unglued, unhinged and imagining the whole thing. What could be worse than the pain of our family and friends minimizing our loss, our emotional pain and our absolute vulnerability? Well, it would be if another member of the Network or Forum did it to us too. It cuts deeper than if a family member said "its not that bad, you can hardly tell." It takes courage for members of the Network or Forum to post hair loss pictures. Some are so mortified by their loss that they will NEVER post a picture. Are they afraid of what other ladies with similar loss would say? Not necessarily. What has been expressed to me, time and time again, is their fear of posting pictures because of a comment that another woman made about a hair loss photo posted.

Let me give you some examples, and let me be very clear that this is not directed at any one person; my intention for saying these things is to help others be mindful the next time you would like to say something about another member's hair loss photos:

• It's hardly noticable! OMG, if only I had as much hair as you.
• What I wouldn't give to be where you are right now...my hair looks like shit in comparison to yours.
• You must be at the begining of your hair loss, because mine looked just like yours did. If I could go back and have that much hair again, I would not have spent most of my younger years worrying so much. Lighten up, its not that bad!
• You are so beautiful, wow, you finally posted pictures! The way you talk about your hair loss in the past, I thought your hair loss was more progressed than it really is. Why are you so freaked out? I would give anything to have as much hair as you have now!
• Wow, your hair looks so good, how could you be depressed?
• I know you think your hair looks like mine, but mine is much worse than yours.
• I can't even tell you have any missing hair.
• You're hair is so much thicker than mine.
• Some people just have thin hair naturally, I wouldn't worry, your hair looks perfectly normal.
• Some people just have very thick hair, you must be one of the lucky ones! Your hair looks normal, I never would have guessed you had any problems with hair loss.

Those are just a few off the top of my head that I have read in the time that I have been a member of this Network, but many times the above statements are said over and over. I have sent private messages to others when I have read these kinds of comments, asking others to kindly be mindful that their compliments are actually hurting other members. Sometimes my private message was received well, and at other times a woman felt she needed to defend her position and state that she meant no harm by it and going back to the member she left a comment for and stating her position all over again, digging the wound even deeper and in the end hurting the person she said she was really complimenting. She honestly didn't think her comment was hurtful in anyway and would go and appologize to the woman she complimented. Remember we are all raw emotionally at times, and extremely vulnerable and in the end the person offended in a quest for self preservation will say "Oh no, you didn't hurt me by that comment. Its ok, I knew what you meant." But many times that is not the case. I know that for a fact because I get a private message about it. These private messages are never bad mouthing another member. The message is always about how to handle the compliment and how it hurts them deep inside. It has nothing to do with the other person and more to do them feeling hurt and minimized.

No harm is ever meant by giving these compliments. The comments and compliments are always given with the best of intentions. But they are in fact not compliments. They seem like they are, but they cut deeply to the heart of many women on the Network. The woman getting the compliment, may thank you for it, but then will turn around and may remove her photos from the album. She may take her profile picture down too and finally, she may end up sending me a private message because of how hurt she feels that her hair loss has been minimized or made less than someone elses. This is not a competition ladies. We are not here to "one up" each other. Putting yourself down to another member doesn't make their loss any less hurtful. Just because you may feel your hair loss is so much worse than another's, will NOT make that other lady feel better. Not to mention the fact that the comment actually can hurt a woman that is just reading it.

Here is a scenario: (Name are made up)

Mavis just posted pictures of her hair loss. You tell her that her hair loss is hardly noticable. She has FPB, the lighting isn't the greatest in the photo and you think her hair looks great. You have similar hair loss, but yours is more progressed. You compliment her on how wonderful her hair looks and how lucky she is. But there are 30 other ladies that have read your comment and now they feel stupid for ever even thinking about posting a picture. They don't want to hear "your hair looks great", and now they are wondering if they can even bear to take that hair loss photo and post it. They think they too will be made to feel like its not that bad, when in their heart and mind they know it is.

How many doctors tell you that its not that bad? How many family members look at you like you're crazy? So why treat a fellow member of this Network that way? Why make them feel as though you have it worse then them? Hair loss IS hair loss, regardless of how much or how little you have. The heartache over this is enormous. I can not even begin to express the full measure of pain that these ladies go through when they hear these types of compliments. It cuts. And it sets us back in our healing and moving forward. Those kinds of compliments are like picking a deep scab, and everytime you pick at it, it bleeds. Sometimes it gets infected. The healing process now will take even longer because the scab was picked and a new one must be formed. It is a perpetual state of flux, and a trigger to depression. There are ladies that have come so far in their healing, and I have been blessed to witness it...then, BAM!, a compliment that sends them spiraling into depression and they feel like they are right back where they started. Many don't realize at first that it was the compliment that triggered the depression.

So how do you compliment a woman about her hair? From my experience, I have found that a good time to compliment another member is when it is warrented. They are growing their hair back and they themselves feel they are making progress. Its important to know who you are complimenting. If there is a woman you think looks great and you love the way her hair looks, a wise thing to do is read her most recent blog or comments first. You could go to that new picture she posted and on the picture she says "its getting worse"...that is not the time to tell her it isn't that bad. She feels horrible about her hair. It becomes a knee-jerk reaction. I wonder if the statement "its not that bad" should even be in our vocabulary, because to us it may not be that bad, but to her it IS really that bad. We all have our perception of what good and bad is. A woman could join and she is just beginning to lose her hair. Everyone in her life thinks she is nuts. Is that the time to say "its not that bad" as well? Sometimes silence is of great support. We all look at the photos, and private reflection is at times more powerful than a compliment. Simply saying "Thank you for posting your photos" is a great compliment. Hair is a delicate issue, and we should all know that by now.

One thing that the Network has shown me is that we are more than our hair. We come here because of our hair loss problems, but we discover a lot about ourselves in the process. We realize our humanity. We should never forget that. In our self consumed and often times obsessive behaviors, we realize there are others just like us and we begin to reach out to them. I have seen that as the greatest gift this Network has to offer. The Network affords us the opportunity to step out of our self consumed thoughts and to think about others that are hurting. It helps to ground us.

As I have been growing back my hair, I have really appreciated the compliments that I have received. I cherish them. Do you want to know which one I have loved the most? "I really miss your bald head." LOL My hair growth is promising and disappointing at the same time. I know that. I have appreciated the honesty about how my hair really looks. But not everyone is like me. I may appreciate it, but that doesn't mean that I would go to another lady and tell her what I think about her hair....that is, unless she asked me. I have not had one woman ask me to honestly tell her what her hair looks like. I have to admit that there have been times that I have been absolutely blunt and honest in expressing that a woman shave her head. This I have done because there was very little hair left. Beyond that, I have not been invited to express such an opinion about what I think about a woman's hair. I won't go down that road. I have instead opened my eyes, beyond what the photo looks like and decided to look at something that does not lose its beauty. I have decided to look at the heart and the soul as much as she will allow me into her world. All of you are beautiful beyond belief and I am so blessed to be a part of each of your lives. You all help me to grow, to change, to reach higher, to gather courage and strength. Each time you open up and show who you are, I grow a little stronger. Its not your hair, its your heart. The beauty of your relentless and tenacious pursuit to find the answer to your questions, your reflections about how you feel emotionally. We are growing together. Its something that none of us expected when we joined, but we find ourselves strangely addicted to this place...beyond hair. It is truly the Great Sisterhood. Let us protect one another. We all know which comments hurt us in our everyday life...can't we all be mindful of them as we speak to one another?