I do sometimes wonder how my life would be different if I didn't have this. I dont think it would have been necessarily 'better' - but the quality of life would have been so much more. All the opportunities Ive missed out on and things that I haven't done because Ive been so self concious about the situation. Stupid things like not walking in the rain, going swimming, etc...

You repeat a mantra to yourelf of 'its only hair, no one notices it as much as you do, even if they do - fuck them if they think differently about you because of it' but there are days that it just doesn't work.

Especially as its getting harder and harder to disguise it .

These are getting more frequent as the things that I used to have that I could use in my mind to counterbalance the crap hair situation are starting to go with the advance of age. (eg pretty good looks and a good fit body) - but now that's starting to go AS WELL all Im left with crap hair and looking like shit.

Gee thanks world- I can deal with one or the other but Im just fucking thrilled to have to deal with both.

I remember noticing the start of the hair loss after seeing a photo of me coming out of the sea at age 14 and noticing a bald patch......Kids - no matter how crap you think it looks when it starts, I hate to tell you this - years down the line you think 'If only my hair STILL looked that good' . SO ENJOY THE HAIR YOU HAVE

Aged 17 or so I was taken to a specialist who pronounced 'male patter baldness' and injected my scalp with something....think about sticking a needle into a banana skin and hitting the chopping board underneath. It didn't hurt but I though 'what the hell am I doing this for???' - as far as I was concerned my parents had better things to spend their money on and the thought of doing this every month for the rest of my life just didn't cut it.

Disguising it just became a way of life - along with avoiding the rain, wind, swimming, bright lights, anyone (including my husband) touching my head, sweating too much, wearing hats that I would have to take off in public, any sport involving a helmet (see above about taking that off in public).

If I knew I didn't have to take it off - hats & caps became my new best friend. Woe betide anyone who tried to take it off me (I decked a guy once who tried to take my cap off me to try on. NO ONE was taking that thing off my head..and I'm 5'2" and was about 110lb at the time).

I think the last time I went to the hairdresser was in 1989...I was too self counsious after that.

What hair I now have is long so what little of it is there can be most artistically draped and concreted into place in a wind tunnel tested hairdo which, lets face it , probably makes me look like a phsychotic Donald Trump (although the bugger has more hair then me).

I tried clip on extensions recently, and that got me through my wedding to my long term partner (and Ive just about convinced myself that no one but me can see the clips showing through in the wedding photos....good thing I have a great cleavage so fingers crossed no one is looking at my head).

No point wearing them again as I cant figure out a place to anchor them where the joins aren't glaringly obvious.

Mad as it sounds - and I know Ill get beaten up for this - In moments of extreme self pity I wish I had real bona-fide alopecia or even some low grade cancer requiring chemo- then I would have a real excuse for my crap hair (or lack of it).

It wont grow back - it wont get better - Ive resigned myself to that. I just don't have the courage to get rid of it all together or resign myself to wearing a wig for the erst of my life (I did get a wig over the internet to try and I looked like a demented yeti)

I cant even get a mohawk as of course the baldness is in the middle - although I suppose I could go for the look as sported by that guy from the prodigy.....

Its one of those things - you know like when you've broken up with a boyfriend you suddenly notice everyone around you is kissing and is in couples??

I notice any woman who has hair loss - 'is it better or worse then mine' 'How is she wearing her hair' and 'OH GOD - I MUST LOOK THAT AWFUL' which is really mean - but hey - I guess this whole thing has left me more bitter and twisted then I thought

One of these days Ill gather up the courage to bleach it white blonde for one day and then shave the last strands off. Probably when I win the lottery and no longer have to go to work or pretend to be 'presentable'.

I hate it I hate it I hate it - it makes me feel horrible, and vain for letting it effect me so much. Its only hair woman - get over it.

Ahhhhhh - that's better - many years of bile off my chest

Cheers for that - it had to be said and this has been the first chance to say it without getting that 'pity' look or 'what are you talking about? You look fine' (said with a slightly raised eyebrow and higher pitched voice)....

So - lets face it - I'm still pretty good looking from the eyebrows down, Im smart and witty, I have a job that pays the bills, Im about to celebrate my second wedding anniversary and 20th year together with my husband, and have done some wonderful things in my life.

Shame about the hair.

Can't have it all can I?