So ever since I started enduring this horrible mishap in my life, I have become so much more aware of myself - the way I feel, the way I look ... every little pain, cramp, rash, symptom of my body. I have also become so much more aware or the people around me, they way they act, look and feel... wondering if I will every be as beautiful again, feel healthy, or be as strong as the people in my life - close to me or complete strangers.

I had a woman come into my store today, looking for luggage. She was beautiful woman, mother of 3, married - buying a gift for her 17 year old daughters birthday. When I looked at her, she had strength, poise, intellect and most importantly confidence. Why she stood out in mind is because of her face, she looked different than I did. She had a strawberry rash, the kind you are born with. It radiated from her hairline all the way down to her chin, the entire left side of her face. Yet she seemed happy. It made me wonder if I can ever be as happy, confident and strong as her. I wonder to myself - is this so bad - do I want a birthmark that covers my entore face, one you cant hide with make-up, get removed or covered ??? Do I want to have a beautiful head of hair that hides something I can never rid of...

I thought to myself of all these things I see people have, a different look, birthmarks, acne, a limp, no teeth, a goiter, being in a wheelchair, missing an arm, a leg, an eye - or most importantly losing valuable time in MY life, OUR lives because we are losing a part of ourselves. I wonder IS this the worst thing I could have... is this what is meant to be ??? I wonder would I rather have something else instead of this - out of all the ailments I listed - NO, I wouldn't want to have to endure any of that !!!! By no means am I celebrating my hairloss, but I do at this moment in time think - it COULD be worse. I often trade places with people in my mind, the ones that have the same thoughts of pity, hurt, depression, terror, loneliness because of something in their lives that is affecting their self image, especially if I see someone that looks different that I do. I wonder do they hurt as much as I do, would they rather have hairloss than a face full of ance that you know may not go away, can't be hidden and will leave scars for the rest of their lives - physically and emotionally !

I do not mean to offend anyone that may be dealing with hairloss and the unspeakable burden of something else, whether a birthmark, deformity - or otherwise. I truly don't. I speak on behalf of my mind, my thoughts and my uncertaintity. I will NEVER celebrate my hairloss - just because I do not have cancer, or MS, or any other problem. But I do celebrate the fact that if this is the worst thing I have to endure then I thank god for trying to teach me to be stronger, a better person, less shallow and more appreciative of the little things in life. Would I change this if I could - OF COURSE I WOULD, for me and for you .... I would rather have NOTHING wrong with me. But at least I can look up in the yellow pages - WIGS, cause I am sure it would be dang hard to try and find a leg store, or 'Cancer Removal Walk In Clinic'

Just a thought.....

(Ask me if I still feel this way next time I wash my hair - lol)