Ok ..... Wondering if anyone knows the answer to this one ...

How do you know if your hairloss is slowing, or if its just less hair falling out because you have less hair on your head ???

It seems mine is slowing, I no longer collect piles of hair after the shower .... but I am also missing about 40-50% of the hair I had a year ago ..

Anyone ???

XOXOX

So ever since I started enduring this horrible mishap in my life, I have become so much more aware of myself - the way I feel, the way I look ... every little pain, cramp, rash, symptom of my body. I have also become so much more aware or the people around me, they way they act, look and feel... wondering if I will every be as beautiful again, feel healthy, or be as strong as the people in my life - close to me or complete strangers.

I had a woman come into my store today, looking for luggage. She was beautiful woman, mother of 3, married - buying a gift for her 17 year old daughters birthday. When I looked at her, she had strength, poise, intellect and most importantly confidence. Why she stood out in mind is because of her face, she looked different than I did. She had a strawberry rash, the kind you are born with. It radiated from her hairline all the way down to her chin, the entire left side of her face. Yet she seemed happy. It made me wonder if I can ever be as happy, confident and strong as her. I wonder to myself - is this so bad - do I want a birthmark that covers my entore face, one you cant hide with make-up, get removed or covered ??? Do I want to have a beautiful head of hair that hides something I can never rid of...

I thought to myself of all these things I see people have, a different look, birthmarks, acne, a limp, no teeth, a goiter, being in a wheelchair, missing an arm, a leg, an eye - or most importantly losing valuable time in MY life, OUR lives because we are losing a part of ourselves. I wonder IS this the worst thing I could have... is this what is meant to be ??? I wonder would I rather have something else instead of this - out of all the ailments I listed - NO, I wouldn't want to have to endure any of that !!!! By no means am I celebrating my hairloss, but I do at this moment in time think - it COULD be worse. I often trade places with people in my mind, the ones that have the same thoughts of pity, hurt, depression, terror, loneliness because of something in their lives that is affecting their self image, especially if I see someone that looks different that I do. I wonder do they hurt as much as I do, would they rather have hairloss than a face full of ance that you know may not go away, can't be hidden and will leave scars for the rest of their lives - physically and emotionally !

I do not mean to offend anyone that may be dealing with hairloss and the unspeakable burden of something else, whether a birthmark, deformity - or otherwise. I truly don't. I speak on behalf of my mind, my thoughts and my uncertaintity. I will NEVER celebrate my hairloss - just because I do not have cancer, or MS, or any other problem. But I do celebrate the fact that if this is the worst thing I have to endure then I thank god for trying to teach me to be stronger, a better person, less shallow and more appreciative of the little things in life. Would I change this if I could - OF COURSE I WOULD, for me and for you .... I would rather have NOTHING wrong with me. But at least I can look up in the yellow pages - WIGS, cause I am sure it would be dang hard to try and find a leg store, or 'Cancer Removal Walk In Clinic'

Just a thought.....

(Ask me if I still feel this way next time I wash my hair - lol)

Well, nothing new to report - or out of the norm for any of us, I guess you could say.

The Dermo was HORRIBLE. I waited 5 months to be seen by her, only to be shoved out of the office in under 5 minutes. She didn't ask for a History, just how long its been happening. She ran her fingers thru my hair (only the frontal area) and diagnosed me with Androgentic Alopecia. Told me to use Minoxil, or Rogaine - and prescribed some Anti-Dandruff shampoo for my supposed scalp flaking, which I think it from lack of washing. She told me its normal to lose 100 hairs a day, and I proceeded to tell her I lose about 300, and even showed her a collection of my hair over 1 day - which she just "Hummmed". Then walked out, not even "Have a nice day" .... oh and she told me she'd like to see me raise my Ferritin to a level of 70 - like for god's sake, like I didn't know that. Didn't look at my scalp, take into consideration the breakage, look for miniturization or even regrowth - I dont know what to look for, how am I supposed to know if its growing, if you dont tell me. Stupid Bitch (SORRY) .... I walked out, and cried, balled actually - walking down the busiest street in London, on the phone with my mom - who was a little bit moe supportive today. Told me not to give up, keep doing it, keep pushing. But I am lost, Family Dr, no go, 3 walk in clinics - all out of ideas, Internal Specialist - no results abnormal .... so who's left ??????? I know I am healthy, but something is causing this, and I dont know what else to do ... I have officially hit depression...

So I went to the mall, and bought some stuff, filled the precription and thought - 'What Else' ? So I walked to blocks the 'Urgent Care Clinic' and thought - why not ?? How could it hurt ?? So I went in to a busy office, got put in a room, and the nurse walked in and seemed very annoyed, tired, imaptient, I told her my story (quickly) into which she switched modes... Sympatetic she was, and understanding - saying "Who cares if you have your limbs and sight, I can still imagine how hard this would be" .... Told me to talk to the Dr about my concerns, which I knew may not go well, as it was another man running behind on seeing patients. She told me to look into getting the house checked for mold etc...  Dr came in examined my throat, chest, eyes and ears - looked at my scalp and said nothing. I said I want to go to someone else, referr me to someone - so he did, an Allergist, yet another appointment and possibly more answers or NO answers, either way, I am ruling out possible causes.... So we will see how long that take to get in to she an Allergist. I am so lost, scared.... and TOTALLY NOT convinced its AA, she didn't even look at my whole scalp, just cause I am thinning at he temples, doesn't mean I am expirencing that ... who knows, but definitley not thinking it is, the amount of hair I lose daily, the duration, the lack of 'Pattern' - 300 hairs a day for 4 months, I'd be bald at the front if it was AA - wouldn't I ???

I dunno, I need a nap, sick of this shit.

I got itchy, so I scratched... had a few flakes, so I took out my pony tail to wave the flakes out ... 3 hairs came out ... whew...

Was making a pony ... 11 more, did it again, more, and again more...

97 Hairs.... NINETY SEVEN Hairs, in less than a minute - more if I didn't stop myself from making a pony.

This just doesn't seem normal ... well I know its not normal, but if I kept making a pony tail, say for an hr, or 5 hrs, I would be bald. Guys, Seriously.... I WOULD LOSE ALL MY HAIR. I am not freaking because this sucks (well I am sort of) - I am saying, 97 in under a minute, with NO stopping, there is no way this slowing. Something is going on, I can't wait to show the Dermo my collection of hair from 2 days .... probably wont help, I am so tempted to just keep manipulating a Ponytail, just so I can get this over and done with. This is not a gradual loss of hair, this is losing it when I touch it, losing too much of it - I AM FREAKING OUT HERE !! I read all these beautiful, strong woman, enduring hairloss for 2-5-10 years, with a head of hair, or similar to mine.... I have gone from 'Before Pictures' to 'After (NOW) in less than 5 months, 5 months I will be bald. This sucks. Ya 97 in 1 minute, but I also lost OVER 150 this morning after washing....... ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY + NINETY SEVEN (not including the ones that went down the drain, or on the floor) = A LOT OF HAIR !!!

K, I am done, thanks.

So I just got back from dinner with Heather - or MissHeather as you would know her. It was enlighting, wonderful, comfortable and oh so fun. It was out first time meeting, and a frist time for meeting anyone off the site. I was a little nervous going in ... what will she be like, what will she look like ... cause I know I dont always post pictures of what I look like now...  She was wonderful, so beautiful and sweet. The most gorgeous smile (and nails - ahah Heather) ... Soft spoken and smart. We had a great time, enjoying a few drinks, and a wonderful meal - that neither of us finshed. We talked about soccer, and the US election and most importantly our hair. It was so comforting to have someone to talk to, that understands, that is willing to listen and doesn't tell me they are sick of hearing about it. Both of us couldn't believe how 'normal' the other looked - and constantly said that. She was very uplifting and positive - something I tend to lack, which was so nice and kind for her to do. I appreciated every moment I spent with her, talking and laughing. It was so nice to be out, and have someone to talk too - as I have disassociated myself from friends, even life. I felt at ease, and happy. We talked about visiting each other, me going to Toronto, maybe taking in the sites, a concert - and the next time we will see each other. Looks like we may have an on-going tradition of getting together when she is in town visiting. So glad I got to do this with her !!!

Thanks Heather, for a wonderful time !!!

Dear Family,

I wanted to take this time to Thank-You for all your support over the last year, in regards to my hair loss. Through good times and in bad, you showed your true devotion and love towards your daughter. I remember when I first came to you and told you I was losing my hair, you both laughed and told me I was imagining things. I remember over the last 4 months especially I felt alone, and isolated - with no one to talk to but my cat. I want to thank you, for changing the subject when I complained .. even tho we both knew it consumed me. I want to thank you for those times I called balling beyond control - you said to me "What am I supposed to do" or "Do something about it". I want to thank you both for the wonderful comments, of "I don't wanna hear it anymore", "I am sick of this" and "I can't do anything". Sometimes, physically you can't - but the emotionally pain I feel might have been avoided with a little bit of support. Thank you for ignoring my pictures, the ones I send you of my hair loss. I know its because you finally see its not my head - but a simple acknowledgement would suffice. I know now that you can see its real, you don't know what to say, but this is just causing more pain, and stress to an already doomed time in my young, beautiful life. I am sorry mom that you have been going thru constant physical pain throughout the last 15 years, and dad your complaints of the Thyroid making you ill and tired. Mom, I am happy that the pain, still allows you to date, shop, dance, play pool and decorate continuously. Dad, I am happy that the Thyroid still allows you to be consumed by soccer, dancing, Elaine and the club. I am sorry that sometimes I can't get out of bed, that I have constant headaches from crying, that I am failing in my job cause I am consumed and that I have lost my love for Mark, as I don't love myself. I am happy I have found some support in people that are not my family. Thank you for allowing me to realize that unless my ailments are life threatning, I am just a burden on your lives. Well guess what folks, sometimes I wish I will be diagnosed with something serious just so you'll listen ... and guess what, sometimes.... I just wanna die. Hypochondriacs can be right !!!

I love you both, Lauren