I haven't really had the time or the motivation to get online, other than to look at wigs and wonder if I should take some of our money from the downpayment of a future home and get a wig or forget about it. My doctor's changed my synthroid a number of times over the past two months and it's seemed for the moment to have put it at a 'normal' level. It's on the highest end, but they are considering it normal for me. On top of that I couldn't get an appointment with the new endocrynologist until the end of September. My regular doctor told me that I should wait to hear what the endo says before I go to a dermatologist, so that's what I was going to do. Until yesterday. My doctor calls me at home and seemed a little concerned. She had been going through my file, because I guess she just finds a 24 year old balding female that is shrinking to invisible just a fascinating case. She wants me to get in with a dermatologist immediately, because I may not have any hair in two months to look at. It has been falling out an extremely rapid rate and I'm beginning to wonder how long it will take before it's all gone. Losing my hair isn't going to kill me, so I'm not extremely worried about it. My weight keeps fluctuating wildly and more and more I don't recognize myself in the mirror. I get so fatigued even playing with my 1 1/2 year old, that I'm also beginning to wonder how long I can function normally in daily life. I feel like I just want to snuggle in my blankets all day, every day. I try to sleep when I can, but my legs and arms ache so much and when I take my meds, they make my hands and feet twitch to the point that I can't fall asleep. So when my doctor called me yesterday, I brought all of this up again, and told her it was getting much worse. She is going to get me tested for lupus on top of everything else. She's putting me on calcium, B12, folate, and a laundry list of other supplements. I also having a meeting with her and others to decide what, if any, birth control I could switch to. As of right now, I have had enough of doctors, enough of medicine, enough of hearing everyone telling me to quit my job, sleep all the time, get a nanny for Gracie, etc. Those things are all I have to keep me going. I go to work so I don't have an oppurtunity to sit and think about everything. I don't sleep all the time because of the nightmares. And I would apsolutely never change the relationship and time I spend with my daughter. I don't know what to do anymore, because I feel like the glue that holds my family together. I'm the strong supportive one and with a new husband that has thoughts that I may get worse and possibly die, I'm looking for a hand to hold that never seems to be there. My parents are dealing with their own issues and seem very distant from listening to me about all of this. My mother, who has never had a serious health problem, tells me to just relax and tells me that I exaggerate things. My father, who has his own major life threatening health problems doesn't really want to talk about anything these days. My older sister would worry herself to death about me if I talked to her about it in detail. My brother just found out he is having another child, so I don't want him to feel any worry and he's emotionally detached from me anyways. And when I try to talk to Jay to get some support, some hugs, some sympathy, I get him telling me he doesn't know what to say, what to do, etc. I haven't really cried yet over it all...over me. I just want to break down with someone I trust, that knows me, I just want to tell people how I really feel and what is really going on, instead of acting like it's no big deal and I'll get through it. I don't want to be the center of the universe, but I am so sick of hearing people 'one-up' each other. I don't feel like I could open up, because I know it my heart that it could always be worse and there are people dealing with alot more than I. But, that doesn't change the fact that I am going through something, something that is very difficult for me right now.