Hey Ladies!!!

I knew, I simply knew that when the rainy Autumn will come all this hair loss bullshit is gonna get me. So it was kinda...ok before the Summer and right till the middle of July , since then, particualrly throughout September and now my hair has been...call it shedding like mad, but it's actually worse. It's everywhere, on my laptop , on my floor, in the kitchen, bathroom, my clothes, my boyfriend's clothes , in food when I'm cooking.

Along with the shitty weather it's not making me feel any better. I developed a stupid habit of running fingers through my hair and checking how many will fall out...three, five, mabe eight . It's like Xmas when it's just one, let alone none-pure pleasure. I wonder if this is an OCD already...

So I'm giving it another month and if nothing changes I'll have to get hair. I'm sick of my lifeless, flat, sad looking own ones... I am also not feeling very feminine with my short haircut. Where I live short hair is usually attributed to gay-orientated girls and I'm getting pretty sharp comments about this at work. This is beside the questions, about when am I finally gonna grow it to a more woman-like length. I guess this means that my hair loss is not so visible yet if people think my crop is a fashion statement rather than a must. It still hurts though.

I just wish I could be myself again. I don't cry, I don't loose sleep over it, I'm not paranoid any longer. This was all happening in the first year when my hair started falling out. But I kinda feel like...less of a woman? My feminity has faded, I don't have the motivation to do things to look after myself. I just have this ' who cares about painted nails if I'm going bald ' attitude...? I remember I always looked at women who didn't look after themselves and thought...why, why do they not make the effort. Ironically I am standing in the same place right now and I can't be bothered. To dress nicely, to loose weight, to put nice make up on...nobody will notice anyway... i have shitty hair and look crapp.

I'm sorry , I'm throwing myself another pity party here, but I just feel absolutely lost in this world dominated by the pursuit of beauty created by media and society. I feel that I don't fit. I'm not good enough. I go to uni every day and feel so invisible...I have a lot of friends and I know they value me for who I am and not what I look like, but I still feel very insignificant on this world full of Beauty race , where I am doomed to come as last.

Love

Ania